Draw That
by kuragari nikkou
Summary: Chloe rates various places and people on a scale of 'I'd draw that' to 'not even if you paid me.' As expected, she holds nothing back. Look for other warnings inside.


Everything © their respective owners

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KN: As a playable character, I'd only use Chloe for those 'find all supplies' missions. As a character, even though she's easily a 'culture snob' stereotype, I'm pretty fond of her. Writing her is even better.

Warning: Chloe's mean. Also, some spoilers regarding Cosette, and this story is just funnier if you've done all the character stories. Also, the title is supposed to be a play on 'I'd tap that' because I have terrible ideas.

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If one could ask the renowned artist, Chloe Blixen, how she felt about drawing certain subjects, from environments to people, she would probably answer in the same vein as what follows…

**Lanseal Academy**

Hmm… There's no doubt that the school's gorgeous and worthy of being immortalized on canvas, but… It's also a place where Gallia teaches its young people how to take lives. Oh, I'm sure they'll cover that up with pretty little ideals like 'patriotism' and 'protection,' but it doesn't change the fact that the results of kids attending this place ends in a mountain of corpses.

I'm an artist before I'm a soldier. What's a bunch of dead bodies worth celebrating for?

Four out of ten. Maybe if I'm paid.

**Kloden Wildwood**

Now here's an interesting place to paint! The high amount of fog and occasional glowing flora make for an eerie atmosphere. This is the kind of landscape that you would love to see in a fantasy novel.

Unfortunately, all the fog makes it hard to paint anything concrete. It's also a huge pain in the ass to do missions in. The challenge could be fun, but it doesn't seem feasible.

Three out of ten. What a shame.

**Daws Desert**

A barren, wrecked wasteland of nothing. A lot of yellow and orange and pink. And yet, still charming somehow in a scenic kind of way.

Too bad it's absolutely scorching. The view from the oasis isn't really worth putting to canvas either. I would probably quit before I could get three strokes in edgewise. Then again…it takes more than heat for an artist to give up.

Seven out of ten. I'd draw that.

**Diebal Mountains**

Beautiful. Just a big blanket of white with dark blue patches and gray shadows everywhere. It only proves that there's a kind of elegance in simplicity.

But on canvas, it would look lazy. Also, it's too cold to even think about trying to paint. And forget about trying to draw in the middle of a blizzard. No such luck.

Doesn't help that there's a history of cabins burning down here. It brings to mind thoughts of war scenes I never wanted to go back to. Why in the world did anyone find those worthwhile to look at?

Three out of ten. Too many bad memories.

**Yuell**

By the Valkyrur, this city was depressing. Plagued by storm and war alike, ripped apart and broken down in the most merciless fashion… I shudder to think how Cosette can even still smile being raised in a dark, dark place like this.

But just because it's dark doesn't mean it's a bad subject to paint. The nobles of Gallia would _love_ to see a scene like this. They're so fond of war scenes and bleak outlooks. Kind of makes sense since they never run into any problems on their own.

The grimmer the better on their high horses…

Four out of ten. I would get paid to do it, but I certainly wouldn't enjoy it.

**Doerfein Mines**

This is a scene you'd only expect to see in dreams. Bright lights all along the dark walls of the tunnels, making it feel like you were walking through a path of stars. Utterly gorgeous, if not a bit too bright for my tastes. Night scenes are more my thing.

And if I didn't have to associate the area with the day we all nearly died, it would score a ten easy.

Eight out of ten. Thank the Valkyrur Cosette managed to cut the right wire.

**Avan Hardins**

I might've liked his eye color, but after meeting him, all I can think about is how bright and obnoxious the shade is. It's all loud and overbearing and annoying. Like he is.

No wonder Class G sucks so bad. With a _stupid_ leader like him… He matches his older brother in appearance only.

One out of ten. The day I paint him is the day I swear off watercolor.

**Zeri**

Frowns a lot. Not exactly good when you're a painting subject.

He's admittedly attractive, at least. Smart, good with a gun, if he wasn't a Darcsen, the girls – common and noble alike - would probably be all over him.

Still annoying, though. Tends to look at people like their intelligence level is beneath him.

Well, not that I'm any different…

Three out of ten. I bet his fan club would pay me.

**Cosette Coalhearth**

What's there to paint? Her face kissing the floor? That might be amusing, but not a picture worth buying.

She's got a good heart and a cute face, though. Unfortunately, my art is supposed to appeal to all audiences and not just creeps that are fetishizing high school girls.

Two out of ten. I don't need pervs jacking off on my paintings.

**Lavinia Lane**

She has a kind of big sisterly-like charm. Watching her work on weapons makes for some nice painting scenes. All that sweat and oil and her furrowed brows as she tries to figure out why the treads don't move right…

Lavinia's tough. That's something worth painting.

Six out of ten. That probably doesn't look high, but for people, that's usually as high as it gets.

**Aliasse**

This little girl has terrible taste in clothing. Her weapon's in bad taste too, I don't care if it IS powerful.

Then again, I'd never paint a Valkyrur - pureblood or artificial. They're just another reminder of the greed and destructive power people exploit whether it's wartime or not. It's disgusting.

One out of ten. Not even if you paid me.

**Nichol Martin**

He'd be hard to paint. What with Franca hovering over him ALL THE TIME, he tends to look down at the floor a lot.

Maybe you'd buy a painting of that if you were into sadism?

Three out of ten. I bet Franca would pay me.

**Helmut Bourdais**

Helmut Bourdais is the very picture and epitome of a trained Imperial soldier. He should be despised and feared, but somehow I find it respectable. The height of his code of honor is higher than that of most superiors in Gallia.

And I'd paint him before I ever painted one of those upper class elitist never-fought-a-day-in-their-life nobles.

Six out of ten. It helps that he finds my paintings interesting; you know how hard it is to find people who actually appreciate your work for what it is?

**Sigrid Eissel**

Doesn't smile much, but then, who could blame him? Getting brainwashed the way he did… Either way, I'd have to wait to see how he looks when he isn't sad and serious all the time.

People tend to look more beautiful when they're happy.

Five out of ten. The scar gives him some points too.

**Lotte Netzel**

Moves around too much. Smiles too much. Too much DUUUUUDE.

One out of ten. Not even if you paid me.

**Melissa Dalen**

Might be fun to draw if I can even ever find her. The girl's like a ghost or a shadow, it's ridiculous.

Four out of ten. Maybe a painting of her partially hiding would be interesting enough to merit buying.

**Erik Kampmann**

Who would buy a painting with a scary face on it like that?

One out of ten. Just not worth it.

**Pete Stang**

He's even more energetic and annoying than Avan. I didn't even think that was possible.

One out of ten. Not even if you paid me.

**Nahum Dryer**

A king could be a popular subject to draw. If I ever painted him, though, he'd probably let it go to his head… I'd rather not risk that.

Two out of ten. He'd be bankrupt regardless of whether I had him pay me or not.

**Franca Martin**

Bossy. Mean. Inflexible. All around a pain in the ass to work with.

She's tough, though. And that angry face of hers might be appealing to masochists or something.

Three out of ten. Then again, there aren't a whole lot of masochists in Lanseal.

**Anisette Nelson**

Forget it! Her big sister's got her face plastered everywhere in Gallia as Squad Seven's star. We don't need Anisette joining in too even if I'd rather work with Anisette over Edy any day.

Two out of ten. Edy would probably pay me, though.

**Marion Siegbahn**

The lily of the battlefield, the epitome of a delicate noblelady… Her visage would very much make for a stunning portrait unlike any other.

Or guys would just jack off on it.

Four out of ten. Joachim would give me his life savings if I ever did paint her.

**Reiner Tristan**

I can respect his huge workout-based lifestyle. I just don't appreciate that he has to be so very loud about it.

His image on a poster would work for firing people up, though. Better than a drill sergeant's image would.

Two out of ten. Too bad I don't do advertisements.

**Vario Kraatz**

If I thought Anisette was bad, Vario would be much, MUCH worse. He might even see the whole painting him thing as some kind of hint that I like him maybe… Ew.

One out of ten. No, just no.

**Jugin**

I'd paint him if he actually came out of his dorm room more often. Heck, I didn't even know he existed until Avan started talking to him.

Under the stifling shyness and long hair, he's admittedly attractive, yes, but there's also a kind of aura about him. The same kind that Leon had.

Seven out of ten. I'd draw that.

**Noel Willoch**

If Helmut was the epitome of an Imperial soldier, than Noel was the epitome of a Gallian soldier. Her loyalty and code of honor knew no match.

Unfortunately, she just isn't that special compared to a class full of outcasts and slackers and weirdoes like Class G is. She doesn't really stand out, or maybe it's because she's so normal that _she_ could be considered the weird one?

Five out of ten. Nothing too noteworthy.

**Coleen Celsius**

Oh, there are plenty of reasons to draw a beauty like her. I'd get no lack of money from it, but do I really want to sell to a bunch of guys who'd probably jack off to the painting?

Is it worth it? Doesn't help that she's really talkative too. Chatterboxes are annoying.

Two out of ten. Maybe if I really need the money.

**Rene Randall**

Rene's tough. She's also got a good heart. She's just not picturesque material…

Though, she's got a couple fans who might like a painting.

Five out of ten. Magari would probably pay me.

**Raymond Moen**

Could be good for muscle practice. Don't see a huge guy with his build all that often. A lot of the guys in Lanseal are pretty scrawny.

Don't think a whole lot of people would buy it, though.

Five out of ten. If only for the practice experience.

**Randy Hamsun**

Smiles too much. Too nice. A bit of a pushover too. A model student with average combat skills. Not that he needs to know how to shoot since he's always healing people instead. What a boring little saint… Does he have an ounce of ill will in him?

Goody two shoes like him don't make for good painting subjects. I bet the student council would pay me, though. He _is_ doing a better job of running the student government from what I hear, but I doubt he'll be able to do what he wants if he doesn't grow a spine.

Two out of ten. Maybe when he learns how to be more assertive.

**Heinz Gilden**

Heinz would be so embarrassed if I painted him. That's the kind of thing one would reserve for a butler's master. And maybe if Heinz decided to pick someone other than Avan as his master, I might've painted the guy.

Either way, Heinz was the perfect picture of a butler, and I'm sure nobles would use his image as an example to all their servants.

Six out of ten. I'd draw him just to see his embarrassed expression.

**Sofia Collins**

The femme fatale who goes through guys like a hot knife through butter. Her looks and charm win over even the most difficult of targets…

She's just another bitch.

One of out ten. Never in a million years.

**Magari**

She's cute. That's one problem. I don't even want to imagine what the guys would do with her portrait…

The other problem is that all she ever does is read. It doesn't make for a very interesting painting.

Two out of ten. I wonder if guys would still jack off to a painting of her reading, though.

**Vicky Baytear**

Too much moving around. Too loud and annoying. The nobles might find it charming, but I'm not going to exoticize a little girl like that.

One out of ten. Not even if you paid me.

**Joachim Osen**

Hahahahaha… Why would I ever even…? This whiny bitch? Tch.

One out of ten. Never in a million years.

**Morris Lling**

He looks kind of cool when he's blowing up tanks, but otherwise… He needs to man up a little.

Two out of ten. I bet Coleen would pay me.

**Jamill Caines**

He's not too different from me, if I had to be honest. He's given up on listening to anything other than the results of a dice roll, and I've given up on ever finding anything worth painting.

He just changed that mindset before I ever will.

Three out of ten. If only out of curiosity.

**Mischlitt**

Not particularly interesting. Doesn't do much other than study.

She's like a monotone version of Magari, honestly.

But then, I don't really blame her. The shit she has to deal with and the whirling emotions that are storming inside are enough to keep me invested. Her recent interest in romance novels is a little weird, though.

Six out of ten. I'd draw that.

**Alexis Hilden**

Unearthly grace to go with unearthly good looks. Easily the most attractive guy in Lanseal. His knightly disposition and loyalty to Gallia will make him a popular subject for nobles and fans alike.

Don't know how he'd feel about being painted, though. I wouldn't want to do anything that makes a fan (with good taste) of my work uncomfortable.

Seven out of ten. I'd draw that.

**Inghild Noverre**

I would not paint this woman no matter how much HE wanted me to.

One out of ten. Just no.

**Hubert Brixham**

A fascinating man with an interesting history. It helps that he doesn't sugarcoat how much Class G sucks, and I can respect that.

Good smile for a painting too.

Six out of ten. I'd draw that.

**Juliana Everhart**

Bossy. Elitist. Masturbation fodder. Another noble who doesn't understand what good art actually is.

I can respect that she's tough, at least.

But her massive chest would be hard to keep in the canvas size. Hmm… That and all the drooling guys are enough for me to not even want to try.

One out of ten. She gets on my nerves.

**Avan Hardins (Revisited)**

…Shut up.

Avan may be as far away from Leon in terms of ability as possible, but he has the same type of aura. A kind of charisma that makes it hard to look away, and an intuition that's saved people from almost certain death many times.

He's not exactly presentable as far as most painting subjects go, country boy that he is, but neither are the landscapes I prefer far more to anything else. Nature and landscapes just are what they are. If they happen to look beautiful, it's only a coincidence. They don't dress themselves up and claim to be any higher than they are.

So too is Avan. He's sincere and determined and _him_. When you're surrounded by pretentious nobles and people who don't know art from a child's scribbling, it's nice to see someone who actually cares and tries as much as he does.

I don't regret that he's the first subject for a portrait that I ever did voluntarily.

Ten out of ten. Watercolor doesn't capture the right vibrant intensity for Avan anyway.

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KN: I did say Chloe would be mean, but I'm still a bit surprised at how much she tore into people in this story. Brutal culture snobs are really fun to write, though.


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